Friday, February 02, 2007
Post #555+2
I missed the 555th post two posts ago. My apologies!
The last week has been... I guess insane would be the word. I've been slacking off too much at school and am trying to get back on top of that as well as my various other projects (all of which need some work on my part). I found it in my heart to love Rocky Horror again and am contemplating plotting a movie night. (we know where you live ;)). Lots of belting around the mouth and mouthing around the belt, if you follow. Let me know if you want in.
My dreams have been fucked as of late and are probably the reason I'm writing - I WANT THEM OUT! No you don't need more detail, lets just say they revolve around the person from previous discussion... speaking of which I still haven't done anything else. Planning to, just waiting for the moment. Crazy comments go in the side.
Is there a line here that I'm about to cross? Probably - but one thing I've never had very much instinctive respect for is lines lol. And I think, personally, that because I've been down the "ignore it and it will go away" option before, its time to try something new and get over it once and for all - something I have to do.
But a comment sparked a thought - someone was bugging me to update because they "miss their soap opera". And I think that this is where I've been going wrong - without meaning to, I've overdramatized the relationship side of my life to the point it scares people. And I've been trying to quit overdramatizing things like that - its hard for me to realize when I am though simply because I don't mean to do it. I tend to analysis and think about what I'm feeling instead of just flowing with it, and the result is journal entries like the previous few - if you read them in the right context, it seems borderline obsessive. But if you know me, you know the wheels are just turning on what I want to do, or what I should do. (well I know what I want and what I should, the question is what I will do). Poetry is much the same thing - its helping me to express what I'm feeling and figure it all out.
And I guess that seems creepy to some people *shrugs*. In my mind, you really have to ask questions if you're at all unsure what I mean (meaning that I haven't directly told you about item X), because you can't exactly take the "normal" stamp and apply it to my actions - if you do that, you'll walk away with a horrible impression of me (like... Sarah?). "Normal" is not a word that I even would choose to use in my day to day vocabulary, let alone in description of myself.
Speaking of poetry, I've started writing again - nowhere near the frequency I used to, but its not bad. Soon to be posted on my dA once I get up the energy lol - until then, you can ask for them on MSN.
A part of me wonders if I've gained enough experience to give it yet another chance... they say third times the charm, do they not? By that I mean, have I fixed enough of my own issues involving communication to help her with hers? In my own experience it takes someone with good communication skills to help another (or the right situation). Has she evolved to the point she can work on her own skills and not jump to such great conclusions about stuff? Or is that what we're going to find out?
I definately feel that I was so immature at that point in time - nothing to be shamed of, because everyone starts off immature and gains over time. I was caught up in the feeling, in the emotion... "in love with love" as the Elves say (man I'm a nerd ;)). Whereas now... I think I'm mostly past that, and looking for a little more to the relationship... in the sense of more having the relationship for being with the person rather than for the sake of being in the relationship. It's taken the edge off asking people out I find and has made me better at communicating.
I was asked to do a linear algebra problem for a friend today (proofs with vectors!). After I finished it, I got a wonderful tingling feeling - the sensation of having completed something special. (yes, I'm most definately a nerd). I don't know why, it just seemed so uplifting to do pure math again, and not worry about speed, memory usage, processing cycles and code limitations.
The last week has been... I guess insane would be the word. I've been slacking off too much at school and am trying to get back on top of that as well as my various other projects (all of which need some work on my part). I found it in my heart to love Rocky Horror again and am contemplating plotting a movie night. (we know where you live ;)). Lots of belting around the mouth and mouthing around the belt, if you follow. Let me know if you want in.
My dreams have been fucked as of late and are probably the reason I'm writing - I WANT THEM OUT! No you don't need more detail, lets just say they revolve around the person from previous discussion... speaking of which I still haven't done anything else. Planning to, just waiting for the moment. Crazy comments go in the side.
Is there a line here that I'm about to cross? Probably - but one thing I've never had very much instinctive respect for is lines lol. And I think, personally, that because I've been down the "ignore it and it will go away" option before, its time to try something new and get over it once and for all - something I have to do.
But a comment sparked a thought - someone was bugging me to update because they "miss their soap opera". And I think that this is where I've been going wrong - without meaning to, I've overdramatized the relationship side of my life to the point it scares people. And I've been trying to quit overdramatizing things like that - its hard for me to realize when I am though simply because I don't mean to do it. I tend to analysis and think about what I'm feeling instead of just flowing with it, and the result is journal entries like the previous few - if you read them in the right context, it seems borderline obsessive. But if you know me, you know the wheels are just turning on what I want to do, or what I should do. (well I know what I want and what I should, the question is what I will do). Poetry is much the same thing - its helping me to express what I'm feeling and figure it all out.
And I guess that seems creepy to some people *shrugs*. In my mind, you really have to ask questions if you're at all unsure what I mean (meaning that I haven't directly told you about item X), because you can't exactly take the "normal" stamp and apply it to my actions - if you do that, you'll walk away with a horrible impression of me (like... Sarah?). "Normal" is not a word that I even would choose to use in my day to day vocabulary, let alone in description of myself.
Speaking of poetry, I've started writing again - nowhere near the frequency I used to, but its not bad. Soon to be posted on my dA once I get up the energy lol - until then, you can ask for them on MSN.
A part of me wonders if I've gained enough experience to give it yet another chance... they say third times the charm, do they not? By that I mean, have I fixed enough of my own issues involving communication to help her with hers? In my own experience it takes someone with good communication skills to help another (or the right situation). Has she evolved to the point she can work on her own skills and not jump to such great conclusions about stuff? Or is that what we're going to find out?
I definately feel that I was so immature at that point in time - nothing to be shamed of, because everyone starts off immature and gains over time. I was caught up in the feeling, in the emotion... "in love with love" as the Elves say (man I'm a nerd ;)). Whereas now... I think I'm mostly past that, and looking for a little more to the relationship... in the sense of more having the relationship for being with the person rather than for the sake of being in the relationship. It's taken the edge off asking people out I find and has made me better at communicating.
I was asked to do a linear algebra problem for a friend today (proofs with vectors!). After I finished it, I got a wonderful tingling feeling - the sensation of having completed something special. (yes, I'm most definately a nerd). I don't know why, it just seemed so uplifting to do pure math again, and not worry about speed, memory usage, processing cycles and code limitations.
I guess I've also been talking alot about what I'm feeling - of course it also depends on what she feelings towards him and towards me. And what he feels, I'd rather not make him an enemy. But those are not something I can really influence beyond being myself.
I think one of the other problems I've had is that I try to do things to please people - and then they meet the real me two months later and are scared off. Perhaps being myself won't immediately attract most women (I've always maintained it takes a special kind of woman... good kind of special) BUT it will save having to explain later AND it will mean that when I do get involved, I won't have all the problems I've had with some of my previous girlfriends.
In addition to that, I think I'm still jumping in too fast - I was good with the last relationship but the temptation is there. When doing math or programming, I'm tempted to jump to the logical conclusions because they seem obvious to me... but sometimes that comes back to bite you.
And I think also... that I've come to reason that I haven't always been honest about my nature - I used to say that sex wasn't important to a relationship... and I think what I really meant was something more like "societies modern standards of beauty should have no impact on a relationship". As I've had more of them now, sex is starting to be a pretty important part (especially because of my tastes) - I can't say its more important than romance, but a healty sex life is certainly part of a working relationship for me. Now it may be different for different people - depends how much you like sex. If you, like me, answer "a lot" to that or "yes please", then dating a chaste-until-marriage-type probably won't work out, eh? But I'm not saying you need to date a supermodel - you need to date someone whom you find attractive (and everyone finds different types of people attractive - I can't stand skinny women for example but I have a friend who refuses to date non-skinny women) and you need to date someone with whom you can have a happy sex life. But you can't go around saying "well she's not a supermodel, so I wouldn't date her"... well you could, but you're going to have a very lonely life. There's a line from a song: "anyone perfect, must be lying" that I find so true. There's so much more to a relationship, but this is a part of it I've never really thought about until recently.
And I also used to say I was one of those people who is monogamous, but I find (as I see new things ;) and learn a bit more about myself), that monogamy may not be necessary. I guess what I'm saying is I'd be willing to try some things I've previously said weren't for me. Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't - but its worth trying a couple of times. I think my previous stands on monogamy were, as I said above, a result of "being in love with love". It kind of promotes a monogamous attitude by its very nature. And now, with that fading, I find myself growing curious.
Ahh, curiousity, my old devil.
"Cards for sorrow...
Cards for pain..."
Onwards goes life, dragging us along. Lets see how this hand plays out, shall we?
More updates soon!
*hugs*
- Dep (I'm back)
I think one of the other problems I've had is that I try to do things to please people - and then they meet the real me two months later and are scared off. Perhaps being myself won't immediately attract most women (I've always maintained it takes a special kind of woman... good kind of special) BUT it will save having to explain later AND it will mean that when I do get involved, I won't have all the problems I've had with some of my previous girlfriends.
In addition to that, I think I'm still jumping in too fast - I was good with the last relationship but the temptation is there. When doing math or programming, I'm tempted to jump to the logical conclusions because they seem obvious to me... but sometimes that comes back to bite you.
And I think also... that I've come to reason that I haven't always been honest about my nature - I used to say that sex wasn't important to a relationship... and I think what I really meant was something more like "societies modern standards of beauty should have no impact on a relationship". As I've had more of them now, sex is starting to be a pretty important part (especially because of my tastes) - I can't say its more important than romance, but a healty sex life is certainly part of a working relationship for me. Now it may be different for different people - depends how much you like sex. If you, like me, answer "a lot" to that or "yes please", then dating a chaste-until-marriage-type probably won't work out, eh? But I'm not saying you need to date a supermodel - you need to date someone whom you find attractive (and everyone finds different types of people attractive - I can't stand skinny women for example but I have a friend who refuses to date non-skinny women) and you need to date someone with whom you can have a happy sex life. But you can't go around saying "well she's not a supermodel, so I wouldn't date her"... well you could, but you're going to have a very lonely life. There's a line from a song: "anyone perfect, must be lying" that I find so true. There's so much more to a relationship, but this is a part of it I've never really thought about until recently.
And I also used to say I was one of those people who is monogamous, but I find (as I see new things ;) and learn a bit more about myself), that monogamy may not be necessary. I guess what I'm saying is I'd be willing to try some things I've previously said weren't for me. Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't - but its worth trying a couple of times. I think my previous stands on monogamy were, as I said above, a result of "being in love with love". It kind of promotes a monogamous attitude by its very nature. And now, with that fading, I find myself growing curious.
Ahh, curiousity, my old devil.
"Cards for sorrow...
Cards for pain..."
Onwards goes life, dragging us along. Lets see how this hand plays out, shall we?
More updates soon!
*hugs*
- Dep (I'm back)
// posted by Dep @ 10:42:00 p.m.
