Monday, July 18, 2005
Things Just Get So Hectic
I forgot to tell a lot of you that I've opened yet another journal *rolls eyes* I've started making use of the MSN Blog, as it's hooked into MSN messenger and almost all my friends use it anyways. So... make use of it as you will, but I'll still post here. I post where I feel like posting, depending which group of friends I wish to talk to.
So... you want Timmins? I'll give you Timmins. I realize that I promised you all a full account and I apologize for not getting around to it until now.
The trip up wasn't so bad - I faded in and out of sleep until about 10AM. The bus didn't break down this time, so it was a far sight better that the Christmas trip. Got in, went to Chris and Nicky's place. I believe it was in that first day that it was proposed I stay with them for a longer period time, possibly until when they were going to leave for Sudbury (a month later). I agreed for three reasons - 1) More time with Courtney, 2) More time with Nicky and 3) More time for programming with Chris. Courtney came over that night and the next, we talked a lot, did the dishes - it was fun. Chris and I got heavily into programming then and Courtney became too busy with work and such to see us. Lisa came over at one point in here, which was the beginning of my friendship with her (though a bit of a rocky start as I felt a bit shy and had a lot on my mind). I saw the Northern Lights in person finally, on the Saturday or Sunday night I believe while walking Courtney home. I saw 'White Noise' which scared the shit out of me that night as well. Chris and I coded while Nicky was at work and I did some in my spare moments when I was bored or there wasn't much else to do. Then, what I suppose really got me loosened up and feeling more a part of the town than a strange visitor is I went out to a club (Club 147) with Lisa and Nicky (and were joined by more people later). Before we went out, Nicky did my hair (god it looked awesome) and a steel chain - apparently I can look good after all lol. But before we left, Nicky and I had a bit of a talk, with Lisa there, about Courtney where Nicky told me that Courtney had said she wanted to date me again, but didn't want to date me again - after all that had gone between us the first few nights, I was kindof feeling hopeful that she was interested - which hit a bit hard but not too hard, after all nothing had be said directly so I accepted it and went out to the bar, had a lot of fun playing pool. I wrote a lot about it and how I felt about it, especially that she couldn't have come forward and said it directly to my face. Somewhere in here I read a comic book called "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" or JtHM - an excellent comic strip in a rather twisted manner. More programming, Chris and I fully hash out exactly what his offer of partnership meant - he wants me to move to Sudbury in Fall 2006, live with him and go to university until he needs me full time. I only have two concerns really, one of which is a private personal concern and the other is that I really really really REALLY want my university diploma. I know I don't know enough about running a small business, thus I fully intend to talk to my economics teacher from high school about it and get all that I would need. I'm considering accepting his offer on the condition that I can finish my three year program (assuming I can get a Masters starting from the three year program only) or four years if I can't - actually I don't believe Laurentian offers a four year comp sci program. Something else to look at. I have a tonne of research to do before I make a decision. It's on the backburner for now though, more important things are at the front. In programming I learned a bit more about Visual Basic and a lot about networking and hardware, two areas I was really weak in before. I also feel I got to know both Chris and Nicky a lot better than I ever could online, having lived with them. (see LiveJournal for more on that). Alright, returning to the timeline. Pool hall was fun. Chris and I spent more time coding, no sign of Courtney. Saw "SAW" and the beginnings of another horrible movie. Saw the entire Cube trilogy, which was awesome. Met more of Chris and Nicky's friends, heard some pretty funny stories about Timmins people. Finally, Courtney came back over one night for a couple of hours and I walked her home, after which I had it all out with Chris and Nicky about exactly what went on between Sarah and I (see LiveJournal for more). It ended with me resolving to tell Courtney all of this, which was the whole reason I went to Timmins in the first place, to talk to Courtney about this. Previous to this (I forgot), I had attempted to confront Courtney about what Nicky had said, but she blew it all off like it had never happened. Whether or not it did... I won't make judgments on and it doesn't really matter. There's also the question of what did happen a year ago with Marc, which again I hear conflicting stories from her and Nicky on, but that's really in the past and really doesn't matter. In any case, I called Courtney one night to talk to her, about two nights afterwards I believe, but she was busy with her father's birthday party so I let her go. The next day I went and wrote her an e-mail that explained it all and asked her to call me when she had some spare time. The next day, I woke up and was a bit hopeful, I felt good. Then Nicky comes to me, very sad, says she needs to tell me something - and then I hear that one of her and Courtney's mutual friends was in the Tim Hortons, talking it up about Courtney's boyfriend, whom she'd been seeing for awhile. Hmm. I took that rather well, I believe... until Nicky started playing the song 'End of the Road', saying she thought it described how I felt about Courtney perfectly...
(Spoken)
Darling... I love you
But you make a lot of assumptions
And when you assume
You make an ass out of you and me
Don't make an ass out of me
(Sung)
We belong together
And you know that I'm right
Why do you play with my heart?
Why do you play with my mind?
Said we'd be forever
Said it would never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say goodbye?
When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight
Girl each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head, oh I'd rather be dead
Spinning around and around...
Although we've come
To the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you
No...
In any case. Apparently she didn't check her e-mail for a few days, because by the time Nicky got so fedup that she called her to ask if she'd checked her e-mail (a good four days later I believe it was), she told Nicky that no she hadn't and she would right away. I got called a few days later by her and was asked to come over the next night, so we could work on a spreadsheet together. I'm completely confused, but figure maybe it's just an excuse for me to come over. So I go. And somehow we wind up making out on the floor (note that this is the fourth time I've seen Courtney and this is the Thursday before I left, I leave Monday night). I leave, a bit hopeful but very confused, more than ever, with her saying she'll most likely come by tomorrow after work. She finished at 5 and can be at Nicky's apartment at 6 at the latest (That's running some errands in there). At 6:30 I called her place, no answer. Later that night, 7:30-8:30 range, Nicky calls her place again, and this time she picks up. She says she's sorry but she can't come by, she's got to leave in a few minutes and she didn't come by because her coworkers wouldn't let her leave because it was too hot (I think it was about... 25-30 that day, no more) and because she had to work late and her granddad wouldn't drop her off here. I, in as calm a voice I can muster, say ok, make the proper goodbyes and hang up. And then break out into tears. I believe this is when I went on my can crushing spree and crushed five or six popcans with my bare hands. I suppose it was just too much for me... back and forth, back and forth, all these things being said that I've had some suspicions about at times, but have never had confirmed - the up of what had happened the night before that and the down of having been told she won't be seeing me for something entirely stupid and avoidable (The heat/grandpa not driving) and that she didn't call to say she wouldn't be there because she was working late. I just snapped I suppose, and believe I went outside to calm down for an hour. That weekend, while Courtney was in Sudbury, I was really mellow. I watched the sunset for an hour, had a really long and interesting six hour conversation with Lisa before we fell asleep the night before I was supposed to leave. I played more pool with Lisa, Chris, Tracy, and a couple of other people at a place called Corner Pockets, went to Subway, got Lisa and Tracy's e-mail addresses. Lol, slept in the same bed as Nicky, guess that piss Chris off a bit lol. (Don't worry, nothing happened, it was just for convience as Lisa and Tracy had stolen my bed.) Chris found an apartment in Sudbury and we were really slack on the code for the last week and a half, two weeks - I think I was under a lot of stress and so was he to find a place, so it just kindof died out. Courtney didn't even call the night she got back into town and I had resolved not to call her, to test a bit of a theory of mine. She called Monday night, about an hour and a bit before I was supposed to leave - I had to walk to her place and pick up my watch/ring so she didn't have to mail them. We had a bit of talk then, which I brought up the rumour that she was dating Jo and that he'd already been in town to visit (that would explain why I didn't see her for a couple of weeks) and she again dismissed it as being a rumour made up by a friend to hurt her. I left, feeling kindof hurt because she had also refused to discuss anything to do with Sarah and rather we just went our seperate ways. I went back to the apartment where I had to leave almost right away, only enough time to give Nicky a goodbye hug and tell her about the three goodbye letters to her, Lisa and Chris I had left on her computer, then it was off to the bus station. I had a long talk with myself on that bus ride, and I opened my eyes to a lot of the things that have, in the past, hurt me more than I could admit at the time and I opened my eyes to all the things that were frustrating me. I got home and felt... completely neutral. I had reasons to be sad, reasons to hate myself but also reasons to be a bit happy - I was finally being honest with myself being the first one.
That's Timmins and a bit of the story of why some people feel I've changed so much since I left - the reason is I have. I've come to see all the mistakes I made and perhaps what I should have done - and I'm more honest with myself about what annoys me and what makes me feel hurt and insecure. Rather than denying it, I'm being open about it and I like this.
So a lot of you are going to ask where am I going now. I'm going forwards with my life. I know that I'm meant to be with someone - I don't know who that is. I know that, at this point in my life, it is not Sarah and it is not Courtney, because if it was, they would have said something. So I am going to do the only thing I can which is move on with my life. If things with Sarah or Courtney are meant to be, then there will come another opportunity in the future.
In any case, for some more personal things, I'm switching to LiveJournal. If you don't have LiveJournal, feel free to get a free account at http://www.livejournal.com and then message me online and I'll give you the blog address.
Laterz
- Dep
UPDATE:
Here's a song that I feel describes my mood the best and thank you Freya for it!
YOUR WINTER
The grey ceiling on the Earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
And your opinion, what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else oh what else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, oh I'm sorry
I said I'm sorry but what for
If I hurt you then I hate myself
I don't wanna hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you, love you
I won't be your winter
And I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
And I will be here
Old picture on the shelf
It's been there for a while
Frozen image of ourselves
We were acting like a child
Innocent, in a trance
A dance that lasted for awhile
You read my eyes just like your diary
But remember, please remember
Well I'm not beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you then I hate myself
I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If only you knew how much I love you
I won't be your winter
And I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
And I will be here
Enjoy
- Dep
So... you want Timmins? I'll give you Timmins. I realize that I promised you all a full account and I apologize for not getting around to it until now.
The trip up wasn't so bad - I faded in and out of sleep until about 10AM. The bus didn't break down this time, so it was a far sight better that the Christmas trip. Got in, went to Chris and Nicky's place. I believe it was in that first day that it was proposed I stay with them for a longer period time, possibly until when they were going to leave for Sudbury (a month later). I agreed for three reasons - 1) More time with Courtney, 2) More time with Nicky and 3) More time for programming with Chris. Courtney came over that night and the next, we talked a lot, did the dishes - it was fun. Chris and I got heavily into programming then and Courtney became too busy with work and such to see us. Lisa came over at one point in here, which was the beginning of my friendship with her (though a bit of a rocky start as I felt a bit shy and had a lot on my mind). I saw the Northern Lights in person finally, on the Saturday or Sunday night I believe while walking Courtney home. I saw 'White Noise' which scared the shit out of me that night as well. Chris and I coded while Nicky was at work and I did some in my spare moments when I was bored or there wasn't much else to do. Then, what I suppose really got me loosened up and feeling more a part of the town than a strange visitor is I went out to a club (Club 147) with Lisa and Nicky (and were joined by more people later). Before we went out, Nicky did my hair (god it looked awesome) and a steel chain - apparently I can look good after all lol. But before we left, Nicky and I had a bit of a talk, with Lisa there, about Courtney where Nicky told me that Courtney had said she wanted to date me again, but didn't want to date me again - after all that had gone between us the first few nights, I was kindof feeling hopeful that she was interested - which hit a bit hard but not too hard, after all nothing had be said directly so I accepted it and went out to the bar, had a lot of fun playing pool. I wrote a lot about it and how I felt about it, especially that she couldn't have come forward and said it directly to my face. Somewhere in here I read a comic book called "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" or JtHM - an excellent comic strip in a rather twisted manner. More programming, Chris and I fully hash out exactly what his offer of partnership meant - he wants me to move to Sudbury in Fall 2006, live with him and go to university until he needs me full time. I only have two concerns really, one of which is a private personal concern and the other is that I really really really REALLY want my university diploma. I know I don't know enough about running a small business, thus I fully intend to talk to my economics teacher from high school about it and get all that I would need. I'm considering accepting his offer on the condition that I can finish my three year program (assuming I can get a Masters starting from the three year program only) or four years if I can't - actually I don't believe Laurentian offers a four year comp sci program. Something else to look at. I have a tonne of research to do before I make a decision. It's on the backburner for now though, more important things are at the front. In programming I learned a bit more about Visual Basic and a lot about networking and hardware, two areas I was really weak in before. I also feel I got to know both Chris and Nicky a lot better than I ever could online, having lived with them. (see LiveJournal for more on that). Alright, returning to the timeline. Pool hall was fun. Chris and I spent more time coding, no sign of Courtney. Saw "SAW" and the beginnings of another horrible movie. Saw the entire Cube trilogy, which was awesome. Met more of Chris and Nicky's friends, heard some pretty funny stories about Timmins people. Finally, Courtney came back over one night for a couple of hours and I walked her home, after which I had it all out with Chris and Nicky about exactly what went on between Sarah and I (see LiveJournal for more). It ended with me resolving to tell Courtney all of this, which was the whole reason I went to Timmins in the first place, to talk to Courtney about this. Previous to this (I forgot), I had attempted to confront Courtney about what Nicky had said, but she blew it all off like it had never happened. Whether or not it did... I won't make judgments on and it doesn't really matter. There's also the question of what did happen a year ago with Marc, which again I hear conflicting stories from her and Nicky on, but that's really in the past and really doesn't matter. In any case, I called Courtney one night to talk to her, about two nights afterwards I believe, but she was busy with her father's birthday party so I let her go. The next day I went and wrote her an e-mail that explained it all and asked her to call me when she had some spare time. The next day, I woke up and was a bit hopeful, I felt good. Then Nicky comes to me, very sad, says she needs to tell me something - and then I hear that one of her and Courtney's mutual friends was in the Tim Hortons, talking it up about Courtney's boyfriend, whom she'd been seeing for awhile. Hmm. I took that rather well, I believe... until Nicky started playing the song 'End of the Road', saying she thought it described how I felt about Courtney perfectly...
(Spoken)
Darling... I love you
But you make a lot of assumptions
And when you assume
You make an ass out of you and me
Don't make an ass out of me
(Sung)
We belong together
And you know that I'm right
Why do you play with my heart?
Why do you play with my mind?
Said we'd be forever
Said it would never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say goodbye?
When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight
Girl each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head, oh I'd rather be dead
Spinning around and around...
Although we've come
To the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you
No...
In any case. Apparently she didn't check her e-mail for a few days, because by the time Nicky got so fedup that she called her to ask if she'd checked her e-mail (a good four days later I believe it was), she told Nicky that no she hadn't and she would right away. I got called a few days later by her and was asked to come over the next night, so we could work on a spreadsheet together. I'm completely confused, but figure maybe it's just an excuse for me to come over. So I go. And somehow we wind up making out on the floor (note that this is the fourth time I've seen Courtney and this is the Thursday before I left, I leave Monday night). I leave, a bit hopeful but very confused, more than ever, with her saying she'll most likely come by tomorrow after work. She finished at 5 and can be at Nicky's apartment at 6 at the latest (That's running some errands in there). At 6:30 I called her place, no answer. Later that night, 7:30-8:30 range, Nicky calls her place again, and this time she picks up. She says she's sorry but she can't come by, she's got to leave in a few minutes and she didn't come by because her coworkers wouldn't let her leave because it was too hot (I think it was about... 25-30 that day, no more) and because she had to work late and her granddad wouldn't drop her off here. I, in as calm a voice I can muster, say ok, make the proper goodbyes and hang up. And then break out into tears. I believe this is when I went on my can crushing spree and crushed five or six popcans with my bare hands. I suppose it was just too much for me... back and forth, back and forth, all these things being said that I've had some suspicions about at times, but have never had confirmed - the up of what had happened the night before that and the down of having been told she won't be seeing me for something entirely stupid and avoidable (The heat/grandpa not driving) and that she didn't call to say she wouldn't be there because she was working late. I just snapped I suppose, and believe I went outside to calm down for an hour. That weekend, while Courtney was in Sudbury, I was really mellow. I watched the sunset for an hour, had a really long and interesting six hour conversation with Lisa before we fell asleep the night before I was supposed to leave. I played more pool with Lisa, Chris, Tracy, and a couple of other people at a place called Corner Pockets, went to Subway, got Lisa and Tracy's e-mail addresses. Lol, slept in the same bed as Nicky, guess that piss Chris off a bit lol. (Don't worry, nothing happened, it was just for convience as Lisa and Tracy had stolen my bed.) Chris found an apartment in Sudbury and we were really slack on the code for the last week and a half, two weeks - I think I was under a lot of stress and so was he to find a place, so it just kindof died out. Courtney didn't even call the night she got back into town and I had resolved not to call her, to test a bit of a theory of mine. She called Monday night, about an hour and a bit before I was supposed to leave - I had to walk to her place and pick up my watch/ring so she didn't have to mail them. We had a bit of talk then, which I brought up the rumour that she was dating Jo and that he'd already been in town to visit (that would explain why I didn't see her for a couple of weeks) and she again dismissed it as being a rumour made up by a friend to hurt her. I left, feeling kindof hurt because she had also refused to discuss anything to do with Sarah and rather we just went our seperate ways. I went back to the apartment where I had to leave almost right away, only enough time to give Nicky a goodbye hug and tell her about the three goodbye letters to her, Lisa and Chris I had left on her computer, then it was off to the bus station. I had a long talk with myself on that bus ride, and I opened my eyes to a lot of the things that have, in the past, hurt me more than I could admit at the time and I opened my eyes to all the things that were frustrating me. I got home and felt... completely neutral. I had reasons to be sad, reasons to hate myself but also reasons to be a bit happy - I was finally being honest with myself being the first one.
That's Timmins and a bit of the story of why some people feel I've changed so much since I left - the reason is I have. I've come to see all the mistakes I made and perhaps what I should have done - and I'm more honest with myself about what annoys me and what makes me feel hurt and insecure. Rather than denying it, I'm being open about it and I like this.
So a lot of you are going to ask where am I going now. I'm going forwards with my life. I know that I'm meant to be with someone - I don't know who that is. I know that, at this point in my life, it is not Sarah and it is not Courtney, because if it was, they would have said something. So I am going to do the only thing I can which is move on with my life. If things with Sarah or Courtney are meant to be, then there will come another opportunity in the future.
In any case, for some more personal things, I'm switching to LiveJournal. If you don't have LiveJournal, feel free to get a free account at http://www.livejournal.com and then message me online and I'll give you the blog address.
Laterz
- Dep
UPDATE:
Here's a song that I feel describes my mood the best and thank you Freya for it!
YOUR WINTER
The grey ceiling on the Earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
And your opinion, what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else oh what else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, oh I'm sorry
I said I'm sorry but what for
If I hurt you then I hate myself
I don't wanna hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you, love you
I won't be your winter
And I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
And I will be here
Old picture on the shelf
It's been there for a while
Frozen image of ourselves
We were acting like a child
Innocent, in a trance
A dance that lasted for awhile
You read my eyes just like your diary
But remember, please remember
Well I'm not beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you then I hate myself
I don't want to hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If only you knew how much I love you
I won't be your winter
And I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
And I will be here
Enjoy
- Dep
// posted by Dep @ 9:00:00 p.m.
