Tuesday, July 26, 2005
I Bring Tidings
PUN HELL
(Now with cheese)
CHAPTER IX – THE RIP-OFF STRIKES BACK
In a long line of Star Wars puns, I have returned once again to pen the final chapters (or are they?) of Pun Hell. This project, which began many moons ago on my journal, has evolved from a short chapter to many chapters, involving as many weird and random things as I can come up with. Now, let us move into the conclusion in which the plot (yes there’s a plot) comes to a climax, User meets his grisly final demise and the anomaly is revealed to be both beginning and end…
(WHAT WAS THAT DEP? ARE YOU PLANNING TO KILL ME OFF AGAIN?)
For god’s sake User… how do you manage to keep coming back?
(I DON’T, I’M BUT A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION)
More like a nightmare… anyways, on with the story!
(QUITE)
*PLOMP*
Dawn and Tristan landed on the floor. Well it wasn’t so much a floor as grass; blue grass. They looked around for a few moments and were startled to see something yellow pop out of the ground in front of them.
Brie First Officer: Halt! State your names.
Dawn: I’m Dawn
Tristan: And I’m Tristan.
Brie First Officer: Who are you working for?
Tristan: Ahh…
Brie First Officer: I see… spies eh? Well the Captain will know what to do with you. Now march!
From around them popped up many yellow beings, about three feet in height with tiny arms and legs. They carried some form of strange weapon and they looked as though they were made of… cheese?
They marched until they reached a camp which was filled with these strange cheese-like beings. Quickly they were escorted into a huge tent over which flew a huge yellow banner with the picture of a slice of cheese on it.
Brie Captain: Ah, are these the prisoners Number One?
Brie First Officer: Yes, Sir!
Brie Captain: Excellent. Why don’t you pour us some Earl Grey, Number One, and we can have a little chat with our guests.
Brie First Officer: Aye aye, Captain.
Brie Captain: So tell me, Dawn and Tristan – what brings you to be lurking outside of my camp?
Tristan: Well, you see Captain… we were being chased by Agents of the Microsoft Corporation and…
Brie Captain: Stop – you are enemies of the Microsoft Corporation?
Tristan: Well… not exactly… more they have chosen for some reason to make us their enemies.
Brie Captain: Well, in that case, welcome aboard. We are currently in the middle of a major offensive against the mighty walls of the Microsoft Empire so that all of cheese-kind may live in peace in our Cheese Federation.
Dawn: Cheese Federation?
Brie Captain: It’s a Federation of Beings which includes over 150 races of Cheese spread across eight thousand miles. We, of course, welcome all beings into our Federation however and I am glad to have your support. We work to better ourselves and all of cheese-kind so that all the Cheese everywhere may live in peace.
Dawn: I see.
Tristan: Very well. What can we do to help?
Brie Captain: We need to enlist the most mighty of all powers to aid in our struggle against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Tristan: You mean… (whispers) Lord Voldemort?
Brie Captain: Lord Voldemort? Never heard of him. No I mean… (whispers) Bill.
Dawn: Bill?
Brie Captain: SHH! It is forbidden to even think the name. To think it would bring His mighty wrath down upon us.
Dawn: I see. Well who is it that you wish to enlist the help of?
Brie Captain: The Goddess of Pi. Rumoured to be the most beautiful creature ever born, with awesome pi flinging abilities, her aid would surely ensure the downfall of the MicroSoft Network (or, as we tend to call it, the MSN).
Tristan: I see. What can we do to help?
Brie Captain: Well, what do you know of the Goddess of Pi?
Tristan: Truth, be told, not much.
Brie Captain: Very well, I shall tell you the tale as I know it…
THE BRIE CAPTAIN’S TALE
As I said, it is rumoured that she is the most beautiful of all beings. No one knows her true name, all merely know her as the Goddess of Pi. It is said that once, long ago, she was a being much like you but then she died because she managed to solve the Rubik Cube. While in Heaven, she met with God who is really a giant Sundae and ate from His Holy Dish. Having so eaten, she was returned to Earth with the powers of Pi and of Pun where she was to create a giant maze full of creatures never before seen on Earth to test the minds of any human being she found worthy. The purpose was to find the best minds and test how far humans have evolved so that God may know the status of His creation. Those who passed the test would be inducted into the Holy Order of the Knights of Pi. Rumour has it that the Goddess of Pi has sworn only to truly marry someone who is a member of the Order. This involves a stage of bonding beyond that of any human, it is so deep and intimate that words cannot describe it. However… to this day, not one human has passed the test. First, they must descend through the initial levels of Pun Hell, where they face many fearsome creatures. Then follows the Beginning, where they are introduced to the concept of Pun Hell. Here is also where the domain of the Microsoft Corporation begins; a deadly enemy who aims to stop all travel onto the lower levels. What follows afterwards is unknown to me, but rumour has it there are near-impossible mathematical problems, riddles and puzzles. There is even said to be a giant maze. The final level of Pun Hell, where it is said the Goddess herself resides, has the most challenging of all puzzle – but no one has yet made it that far.
In times of need, all of the residents can call upon the Goddess to come to our aid. But for the past five years, she has not answered our call and the Microsoft Corporation believes she has gone forever. They are using this opportunity to spread their influence, sending Agents to other levels and trying to wipe out the other populations within Pun Hell.
I must ask of you to travel to the furthest depths of Pun Hell and find out what happened. I know that no one has done it before, but something must be done.
Tristan looked at Dawn, who nodded.
Tristan: We accept.
Brie Captain: Most excellent!
Brie Trooper #3: *comes running in* Sir, Sir! Microsoft Agents have been spotted approaching the camp.
Brie Captain: Red Alert! All hands to battle stations!
Tristan: What can we do?
Brie Captain: Here, take a cheese gun and patrol the camp. Shoot anything that’s not small and yellow, or your lovely girlfriend here.
Tristan & Dawn together: Aye aye Captain.
They left the tent to a scene of utter chaos.
Tristan: My God.
A Microsoft Agent popped out of nowhere.
Microsoft Agent #1: Smith will suffice.
Tristan turned quickly and shot the Microsoft Agent point blank in the chest with the Cheese gun. The Microsoft Agent quickly liquefied into a puddle of melted cheese.
Dawn: Eww. That’s gross.
Tristan: Actually, that’s cheese.
*PLOP*
The ground turned to liquid cheese, then Dawn and Tristan quickly sank through to the next level of Pun Hell.
(YOU KNOW I’VE REMAINED SILENT ALL THIS TIME – THIS WASN’T ACTUALLY A BAD CHAPTER – IT’S STARTING TO HAVE A PLOT AND THERE WAS NOTHING RANDOM)
You’re right User. Thank you for that compliment.
(YOU’RE WELCOME)
I am in the midst of writing Chapter XI - An Unbalanced Person and have, based on the dialogue of the Brie Captain (loosely based on Patrick Stewart) expanded the storyline at least three more chapters. For those of you who remember my original storyline, this means there are now a total of six chapters left in Pun Hell before the conclusion (?). Watch for them.
On a personal note, I feel better today - I was kindof down yesterday and wrote about it here, sorry about that. Suppose I should keep it to myself or I'm going to wind up offending someone. But today I feel good. Tomorrow my grammie from New Brunswick is coming to visit us, so I may or may not be around for a lot of tomorrow - cleaning and all, but drop me a line on MSN if you need/want to chat with me. Plus tomorrow is, of course, a Wednesday and as such I will be in Ottawa after 5PM about until 10-10:30PM.
Laterz
- Dep
