CHAPTER VII – RETURN OF THE RIP-OFF
(DEP – YOU KNOW YOU’RE SUCH A NERD RIGHT?)
Hey… it’s that guy… right… umm… User! Didn’t you die by Pentacle… and by Chainsaw?
(DAMN STRAIGHT – BUT YOU’LL NEVER KILL ME! MUWHAHAHAHA)
Oh… fine, just shut up and watch, okay?
(MMMM, MAYBE)
Right. So where was I? Oh yes, hello Audience. I bet you’ve been wondering when I’d get around to finishing this. It’s been quite awhile hasn’t it? Two, three months I believe. But, by popular request, I am back to pen (with my keyboard) the final chapters… so welcome once again to the world of…
STAR WARS VII
The Return of the Rip-Off
With Yoda and the rest of the Jedi dead, finally Tristan could claim his place as that cute loveable Dark Lord of the Sith, that only obtained that name when George Lucas travelled back in time and found out they were actually called the Sith, even though he never used it in his first three movies…
Now, with all the power in the galaxy at his hands, Tristan could finally hunt out that last, elusive…
(AHEM)
…
…
…
*Ninjas comes out of nowhere with Satanic symbols* THE POWER OF SATAN REPELS YOU!
(*EXPLODES*)
Alright, alright. Welcome back gentle Audience to my tale of mayhem and destruction… or was that senselessness and disaster? In any case, just as a reminder…
NO TONGUING THE FROGS!
That’s right you heard me. The frogs *nods*. So we’re on page 21 of this incredible tale. When we last left our anti-hero and real-heroine, they were falling through the floor after crashing a spaceship into the White House and singing…
Oh my God, I was wrong
It was Earth, all along
You’ve finally made a monkey
Yes you’ve finally made a monkey
You've finally made a monkey out of me
Let the adventure continue…
CHAPTER VIII – BUT THE SCARIEST THING OF ALL…
This is Chapter 8 for those morons who can’t read roman numerals because they were too busy enjoying jacking off their teacher when he was explaining roman numerals in a slow squeaky voice.
Tristan and Dawn landed on a hard surface. They looked around and took in the landscape. Off in the distance was a steep spire. The atmosphere was strong and pungent, smelling of tar. Taking in the detail around them, they became terrified and clung to each other in fear. In front of them was a large, forbidding structure with a steel lightning rod on top. Between them and the structure was an evil looking metallic device that looked suitable for indescribable forms of torture. Dawn and Tristan looked at each other and then slowly took a step to the right and…
stepped past the car. They were in a small residential area, surrounded by normal looking houses with lightning rods on top. It was an absolutely plain, boring neighbourhood, with boring cars parked in front that were just plain normal. Suddenly, something clicked in Tristan’s head.
Tristan: My God… It’s my house…
Dawn: Yeah… it is… but with cool narration.
Tristan: Dude…
Dawn: Sweet…
They walked briskly up the stairs and into Tristan’s house. There was Tristan’s mother in the kitchen, stirring up something that smelled disgusting in the soup pot. Sounds of typing could be heard from downstairs where Tristan’s father was typing on the computer, playing Runescape.
Tristan: For some reason this house gives me the willies…
Dawn: What do you mean, love?
Tristan: It’s just so… I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Walking up the stairs, they entered Tristan’s room. It looked as though he hadn’t even moved out three years ago with Dawn. There was a white computer in the corner; green paint covered the walls with posters of various music groups (Evanescence being predominant) and movies. Plus dragons. Many many dragons. They lay down upon the bed and…
WARNING! WARNING!
THIS PART HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO CURRENT RESTRICTIONS IMPOSED BY MICROSOFT ON YOUR COMPUTER. PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE TYPING THIS SCENE OF A SEXUAL NATURE OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO HACK INTO YOUR COMPUTER AND EXPOSE YOUR PERVERTED NATURE TO THE WORLD. OR JUST HAVE OUR OWN CORPORATE POLICE BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE AND ARREST YOU.
Stupid Microsoft
WE HEARD THAT… DO NOT INSULT MICROSOFT… IN FACT DON’T EVEN SAY THE WORLD MICROSOFT AS IT INFRINGES UPON COPYRIGHT LAWS!
I need a Mac… big time.
THE POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY AND YOUR PORN FILES HAVE BEEN E-MAILED TO YOUR TWENTY BEST FRIENDS. HAVE A GOOD DAY MR. MUNRO!
Oy. Well I suppose I need to finish this chapter before the police get here!
*sirens wail in the distance*
Tristan: I’ve got it!
Tristan walked up to the wall and hit a hidden panel there. Slowly the room revolved. The view from the windows shifted until it was facing the house beside Tristan’s. Finally the room stopped.
Dawn: What was that?!
Tristan: You’ll see, follow me.
He walked over to his bedroom door and pulled it open. In front of them was a long deep stairwell leading down. He climbed down, Dawn following close behind him.
Tristan: Years ago, I stumbled upon an alternate dimension which can be travelled to by hitting that secret panel and then opening the door to my room. My portal leads to a room… well you’ll see. But it’s very important.
Dawn: Alright… I trust you Tristan.
Tristan smiled then his face took on a look of concentration as he looked around the bottom of the staircase. They were in a small room, stone walls that were completely blank.
Tristan: I know it’s around here somewhere… ah…here we go!
Tristan pulled out a stone and pushed a hidden button. Suddenly, the middle of the room, a giant ring rose from out of the ground. The ring whirled around, stopping occasionally, like a giant old rotary phone.
Dawn: What’s it doing?
Tristan: I have no clue… but watch!
The ring stopped turning and a huge cloud of blue liquid exploded outwards from it, but caught itself at the last minute and retreated to form a semi-liquid surface in the interior of the ring.
Tristan: Ladies first!
Dawn: Why thank you.
She stepped through the portal with Tristan following close behind.
They appeared on the other side in a large room full of books. There was no door, only books, two comfortable arm chairs, a lamp and the ring, now dark and empty. Quickly, Tristan walked over to a bookcase and pulled a book from it.
Tristan: Here, read this.
Dawn: What’s it about?
Tristan: You’ll see.
The following is an account of the first exploration of Pun Hell. To access Pun Hell, one of two things must occur. Either you be selected by the Goddess of Pi (the ruler of Pun Hell) to enter and then make a pun, or you determine the entrance to Pun Hell, which is a closely guarded secret. Pun Hell is filled with many mythical creatures, creatures no one dreamed were real. It is controlled and ruled by the Goddess of Pi, as I said, who is said to be the most beautiful creature of all creation. You travel from one level to the other by making puns, however you only travel if and when the Goddess of Pi wishes you to. It is said she resides in the bottommost level of Pun Hell and rewards greatly those who pass all of her tests. I have only heard her name spoken once, by a commoner on the second level, he said her name was…
Dawn: The rest is all smudged, I can’t read it
Tristan: I know, it was like that when I read it. At first I thought it was just a myth, but now I think that it’s all true, Dawn. We’ve truly been invited into Pun Hell!
Dawn: Great… but Trist?
Tristan: Yeah?
Dawn: There’s a cop behind you.
Fucking Microsoft! How dare they invade my story!
Tristan: Shit, it’s the fuzz!
Dawn: Run for it.
Here follows the comical, stereotypical running scene where everyone runs all over the place and nothing makes sense. I’m too lazy to actually detail it, especially as Microsoft is actually knocking on my door.
Tristan: Dawn! Think of a pun!
Dawn: um… um… hum… bum… bum hug time?
Tristan: Good enough!
And they both fell through the floor as the Microsoft Agents closed in on empty space.
But as a final lesson, what is the scariest thing of all? You know what it is.
