Friday, January 14, 2005
A post.
my eyes still itch, but I think I'm able to post about this now.
I have made the decision to stay with Courtney, for reasons outlined in my last entry.
Courtney has decided we need time apart and I'm going to give her as much as she wants.
I just got off the phone with Nicky. She helped me feel a little bit better.
Today - I felt awful. I kept going over everything in my mind that happened, all the ways I've hurt Courtney and I feel so awful. I wish I could take these past two days and just wipe them from the history and memories of everyone, but I can't. I went to see that someone and I told her everything that happened last night, including my last final decision. I broke down then. Before that, I was at Heritage, and there's been no change out of the mechanics class, but I'm hoping I can discuss things with the prof and make things right so I can take Philosophy this semester. If not I plan to take Cal II and my third english over the summer.
I came home after telling that someone and watching a movie (She really wanted to show me Nightmare Before Christmas - a good movie). I left right after the movie, an hour and a half bus ride home. I got home around 3:45pm. And... I just lost it. I went up to my room and cried. Usually when I cry, it lasts about 5 minutes then I'm good. When Nicky sent me her poem telling me she was deeply in love with Chris and couldn't date me, I cried for half of "Anything For Love" then was happier again and approached the matter with a better mindset and said it was for the best. When Vicki and I were having problems, it was a couple of minutes when it got really bad and that was it. I haven't cried over anyone else. Even this summer when Courtney and I broke up, I felt awful but more angry. But today... I lost it. I never ever show when I'm sad to my parents. I hide in myroom and they know nothing. Not since I was a little kid being beaten up at school have I cried in front of them. Today. I went up to my room. And I cried. It was fifteen minutes before I realized it wasn't stopping, and i needed someone. So. I went to my mother. I hugged her and I said "mom, can I use you as a pillow?" and then lost it again. Sometime in there, the whole story poured out of me and my mom held me, rubbed my back and scratched my head. Tonight - I haven't eaten. in the past 48 hours I have had 3 chicken nuggets, a handful of fries, two chicken upper thighs and one slice of pizza. No breakfast, no lunch yesterday and tiny dinners. I have cried almost continously. I watched comedies because I can't stand anything else at the moment and even they (With the exception of one hilarious line on Family Guy) couldn't make me do more than smile. My eyes are very red, I looked in the mirror and I look like absolute shit. I called Nicky, who told me stories of times her and Chris have broken up and we talked a lot about Courtney and I. I was near tears almost all the time on the phone, and I lost it once. Even now I'm on the verge of losing it and I'm scared if I let this stop coming out of me through my words, I'm going to lose it again. I hate crying. It makes me feel so weak and helpless but I just can't help myself. I have been lying on the couch since I got off the phone with Courtney sometime between 5 and 6 and just got off to come up to bed at 9:30. I hate doing this to people. I'm not going to do this anymore. I am not goign to go through a repetition of the past three days again because I don't want to put Courtney through what I know she's going through, nor put myself through it. It feels awful. And I hope to god this ends with her and I together because I'll have no clue what to do if we're not. I had a lot of time on the bus to ponder what was right in my heart and what I felt. And I realized that I really do love Courtney. A lot. What happened when I got home and what I felt when I thought about her leaving me was just awful. I'm not going to be cliche and say I can't live without her... but it won't be easy if it comes to that. A lot of my life and plans are built around her - my plans to go to university, my study plans, my solutions to the current problems with Philosophy. I spent almost all my free time on-line either chatting with her or hoping she'll come on-line so we can talk. I'm up til 3-4 am some nights talking with her. My thoughts revolve around her in the daytime, either plotting our next visit or the next thing I can do for her, send her, make her whatever. She makes me feel happy when I am with her, sad when she's angry/hurt/disappointed in me and lonely when I'm not with her. I can't hate her for any of the things she's done, not breaking up with me for someone else, not what she's doing now. I love her. *weeps* And I'm sorry it took an event like this to finally get all my thoughts straight in order, but now that they are I really don't want her to go. I'm lost without her. I don't know if she's going to take me back... there are so many reasons in my mind not to. I hate myself at the moment for being like this. I want to take these parts of my and throw them out of my body. But I can't. They are problems that I must work on. I have eliminated one of them - I will no longer follow my friends advice, which led to this, but decide things on my own. Few of my friends let me do this - Nicky and James are the only two uninvolved people I know who do and even James has subtle undertones I find when talking to him, leading me down one path when I end up wanting to be on the other. Nicky hasn't led me wrong yet. *casts his eyes around the room* There are four pictures of Courtney and her two letters posted about my room. I almost tore them up but something stopped me last night - some feeling that what I was doing was absolutely wrong, right before I was about to go to bed. I am now glad I stopped, for I can still look at my love's face and pray for her forgiveness one day. And I changed my name on MSN because I do not feel like I am Dep anymore, the loving caring person that Freya and James make me out to be. I feel like the asshole Robert, screwing up majorly and just... I just don't feel like Dep at the moment. I don't feel happy with myself, in fact I hate myself. So. I am Robert until I feel like I can live with myself again. I don't know how long that will be.
I am going to bed now. I hope I can wake up and at least be functional if not happy because right now I'm not. Even getting up is hard.
I have a job interview at LQ on the 18th at noon. I hope it goes well.
Back to school the 17th. I hope it goes well.
PTY the 19th. I hope it goes well.
I am not certain if I will post as often as before. I may keep my ramblings to myself, or I may just stick to talking with people. If I keep them to myself I will post them if Courtney and I get back together. If we don't, then I will post them or delete them as I feel appropriate if it comes to that.
I pray to god it doesn't.
I leave you with the lyrics to a song.
Goodnight.
Robert
From Theory of a Deadman
(Note: Yes all songs I post on here I post with meaning. They are important)
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'l sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
When will we make up, will we break up?
Let's wake up, let's wake up, let's wake up
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Let's wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
Let's wake up, let's make up
- Wake Up (Theory of a Deadman TOAD)
I have made the decision to stay with Courtney, for reasons outlined in my last entry.
Courtney has decided we need time apart and I'm going to give her as much as she wants.
I just got off the phone with Nicky. She helped me feel a little bit better.
Today - I felt awful. I kept going over everything in my mind that happened, all the ways I've hurt Courtney and I feel so awful. I wish I could take these past two days and just wipe them from the history and memories of everyone, but I can't. I went to see that someone and I told her everything that happened last night, including my last final decision. I broke down then. Before that, I was at Heritage, and there's been no change out of the mechanics class, but I'm hoping I can discuss things with the prof and make things right so I can take Philosophy this semester. If not I plan to take Cal II and my third english over the summer.
I came home after telling that someone and watching a movie (She really wanted to show me Nightmare Before Christmas - a good movie). I left right after the movie, an hour and a half bus ride home. I got home around 3:45pm. And... I just lost it. I went up to my room and cried. Usually when I cry, it lasts about 5 minutes then I'm good. When Nicky sent me her poem telling me she was deeply in love with Chris and couldn't date me, I cried for half of "Anything For Love" then was happier again and approached the matter with a better mindset and said it was for the best. When Vicki and I were having problems, it was a couple of minutes when it got really bad and that was it. I haven't cried over anyone else. Even this summer when Courtney and I broke up, I felt awful but more angry. But today... I lost it. I never ever show when I'm sad to my parents. I hide in myroom and they know nothing. Not since I was a little kid being beaten up at school have I cried in front of them. Today. I went up to my room. And I cried. It was fifteen minutes before I realized it wasn't stopping, and i needed someone. So. I went to my mother. I hugged her and I said "mom, can I use you as a pillow?" and then lost it again. Sometime in there, the whole story poured out of me and my mom held me, rubbed my back and scratched my head. Tonight - I haven't eaten. in the past 48 hours I have had 3 chicken nuggets, a handful of fries, two chicken upper thighs and one slice of pizza. No breakfast, no lunch yesterday and tiny dinners. I have cried almost continously. I watched comedies because I can't stand anything else at the moment and even they (With the exception of one hilarious line on Family Guy) couldn't make me do more than smile. My eyes are very red, I looked in the mirror and I look like absolute shit. I called Nicky, who told me stories of times her and Chris have broken up and we talked a lot about Courtney and I. I was near tears almost all the time on the phone, and I lost it once. Even now I'm on the verge of losing it and I'm scared if I let this stop coming out of me through my words, I'm going to lose it again. I hate crying. It makes me feel so weak and helpless but I just can't help myself. I have been lying on the couch since I got off the phone with Courtney sometime between 5 and 6 and just got off to come up to bed at 9:30. I hate doing this to people. I'm not going to do this anymore. I am not goign to go through a repetition of the past three days again because I don't want to put Courtney through what I know she's going through, nor put myself through it. It feels awful. And I hope to god this ends with her and I together because I'll have no clue what to do if we're not. I had a lot of time on the bus to ponder what was right in my heart and what I felt. And I realized that I really do love Courtney. A lot. What happened when I got home and what I felt when I thought about her leaving me was just awful. I'm not going to be cliche and say I can't live without her... but it won't be easy if it comes to that. A lot of my life and plans are built around her - my plans to go to university, my study plans, my solutions to the current problems with Philosophy. I spent almost all my free time on-line either chatting with her or hoping she'll come on-line so we can talk. I'm up til 3-4 am some nights talking with her. My thoughts revolve around her in the daytime, either plotting our next visit or the next thing I can do for her, send her, make her whatever. She makes me feel happy when I am with her, sad when she's angry/hurt/disappointed in me and lonely when I'm not with her. I can't hate her for any of the things she's done, not breaking up with me for someone else, not what she's doing now. I love her. *weeps* And I'm sorry it took an event like this to finally get all my thoughts straight in order, but now that they are I really don't want her to go. I'm lost without her. I don't know if she's going to take me back... there are so many reasons in my mind not to. I hate myself at the moment for being like this. I want to take these parts of my and throw them out of my body. But I can't. They are problems that I must work on. I have eliminated one of them - I will no longer follow my friends advice, which led to this, but decide things on my own. Few of my friends let me do this - Nicky and James are the only two uninvolved people I know who do and even James has subtle undertones I find when talking to him, leading me down one path when I end up wanting to be on the other. Nicky hasn't led me wrong yet. *casts his eyes around the room* There are four pictures of Courtney and her two letters posted about my room. I almost tore them up but something stopped me last night - some feeling that what I was doing was absolutely wrong, right before I was about to go to bed. I am now glad I stopped, for I can still look at my love's face and pray for her forgiveness one day. And I changed my name on MSN because I do not feel like I am Dep anymore, the loving caring person that Freya and James make me out to be. I feel like the asshole Robert, screwing up majorly and just... I just don't feel like Dep at the moment. I don't feel happy with myself, in fact I hate myself. So. I am Robert until I feel like I can live with myself again. I don't know how long that will be.
I am going to bed now. I hope I can wake up and at least be functional if not happy because right now I'm not. Even getting up is hard.
I have a job interview at LQ on the 18th at noon. I hope it goes well.
Back to school the 17th. I hope it goes well.
PTY the 19th. I hope it goes well.
I am not certain if I will post as often as before. I may keep my ramblings to myself, or I may just stick to talking with people. If I keep them to myself I will post them if Courtney and I get back together. If we don't, then I will post them or delete them as I feel appropriate if it comes to that.
I pray to god it doesn't.
I leave you with the lyrics to a song.
Goodnight.
Robert
From Theory of a Deadman
(Note: Yes all songs I post on here I post with meaning. They are important)
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'll sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
The last time you yelled at me I swore that I heard you say
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
I'l sit back and relax and wait for the morning
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
When will we make up, will we break up?
Let's wake up, let's wake up, let's wake up
Make up your mind and I'll make up mine
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
Those words that you said to me, why wasn't I listening?
I wish I hadn't met you at all, I started thinking
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
We'll wake up, we'll make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
So wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
Let's wake up, let's make up and do this for the last time
If we break up, we'll wind up losing both of our minds
Let's wake up, let's make up
- Wake Up (Theory of a Deadman TOAD)
// posted by Dep @ 9:33:00 p.m.
