Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Alright... the events of the past day.

I was told by someone of her feelings for me yesterday.

Talked to Courtney, almost convinced of what I felt.

Courtney talked me out of it.

Talked to James, James told me to follow my heart.

I thought I knew what my heart wanted.

Sent Courtney an e-mail

Told that someone about the e-mail

Went to bed feeling awful.

Got a call from Freya.

Freya and I had a long conversation. She reminded me of my values and my moral code which I realized I had abandoned. The situation always has been: I have feelings for that someone, she is here. I love Courtney, she lives far away. My values and moral code can be summed up in a few lines from a song.

And I would do anything for love. I'd run right into hell and back. I would do anything for love. I'll never lie to you and that's a fact.

Freya wanted me not to go with Courtney again. I told her what she had made me realize and she told me to do what I want, but not to hurt Courtney again.

Then I remembered a line from an Evanescence song which I've always thought described me.

Don't turn away (don't give into the pain) don't try to hide (though they're screaming your name) don't close your eyes (god know what lies behind them) don't turn out the light (never sleep, never die)

And I realized that I hadn't been thinking about love and long-term... I'd been thinking about me being lonely and wanting to fill that gap of lonliness with something, anything. So without thinking, I just took the closest solution. I realize that I've made a mistake, and I admit it.

Painful or not, long distance or not, I love you Courtney D. And I realize that there's a few things about me you do not understand, my paranoia among others. Next time we see each other, I will explain what I can and answer any questions I can. An "I don't know." may have to suffice in some situations but I'll try my best.

I know I've hurt both you and that someone today. I know I've said a lot of things I don't mean. But, as James said I would, I learned a lesson from my choice - which one I really like between the two of you. And which one I'm going to stay with. And that one is you Courtney.

James - as a note: your theory of the list doesn't work. Love is only one line but it means so much more than any logical reason you can come up with. So better scratch that theory off the list.

I want you both to know that I have sworn this is the last time I am changing my mind on this. Yes, if you've read my previous blogs you know my word can be fickle. I regret those things I've done in the past and now, having seen what can happen, I realize that this is indeed a mistake.

Love. Love is always the most important thing in my heart. Love is what makes us feel happy inside. Love is a deep connection between two people. Love can bridge all sorts of gaps, including distance, pain, mistakes and time. Love is not needing words between two people. Love is what brings a smile to your face when you think of that person. Love is what allows you to forgive all the mistakes of a person and keep on loving them like they never happened. Love is love. It is. It cannot die for it is eternal. It can diminish, with neglect; it can be forgotten with carelessness. But love... love is forever. I've just forgotten how important it is to me and I realize now why Daren, Nicky and Laura were so disappointed in me when I choose this course of action. It is because they see the love in my eyes and they know I was throwing it away.

Thank you Nicky for your phone call. I have so much to thank you for yet again. You've put the stars back in my eyes :) and for that I thank you.

I called Courtney back and I apologized. I really hurt you Courtney, I know. :( I am not proud of what I did, in fact I am quite ashamed of my actions today. I want to bury this day in the history of time but that takes... well time. *hugs* I love you, and I know you love me. I believe now.

There will be, as I said, no more flipping back and forth. I am quite annoyed with myself for the way I have acted since yesterday.

The reason I know now that I am on the right course of action is I feel immensely relieved, as though a great burden has been lifted from my heart. I felt this way after sending the letter... until it sunk in about twenty minutes after what I had done and I started feeling really bad. Made it worse when Courtney came on-line. I still feel empathically connected to her, and I'm not to that someone. This means a lot to me, as I'm connected to very few people and only those who are close to me - Freya, Dragon, Raven + Jaz(but only in extreme mood swings). I also tend to pick up whatever the person I'm talking to is feeling, but that's just another part of being me. So I knew when she had read it and I knew when it had sunk in. I know tomorrow that that someone's going to be angry/disappointed in me, but... no I've said it to many times today. I must do what I believe to be right based on what I feel now. Right now, I am in love with Courtney and I have feelings for that someone. Courtney wins. That simple.

Thank you again Freya for readjusting my values towards what I am usually like. I don't like the person I can be some days.

Anyways. That is the way the world is. I am sorry for anyone who doesn't agree with how I see the world, but that's the way it is. I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt by saying this, but... this is the last time I hurt anyone and I will just have to live with myself knowing I'm doing the right thing now.

Alright.

Again I may post more later, I just needed to get all of that off my chest. I may be inclined to talk moreabout it later but right now I'm emotionally drained. I'm playing minesweeper until Courtney comes on, then I'm chatting with her until she goes to bed.

Goodnight and farewell all.

*hugs, love, kisses, licks, pokes and pi to Courtney*

Later

Dep