Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Last night I was feeling pretty bad and I don't know why. I had just finished a huge argument with my parents, which didn't leave me feeling pretty good (I don't like arguing with them, but sometimes I must) and several of my friends have been down lately for varying reasons so maybe I was picking up their mood, and maybe it was just a random teenaged mood swing, I don't know. What matters is the following.

I do not regret most of what I said here last night. There are indeed issues about school and free time and such that Andarta and I need to talk of and will do so at the next opportunity. As I said last night, for me school and free time are such that I can have a lot of other commitments outside of school, because the workload is not that huge. Andarta and I need to talk about her workload and her school. Everything I said last night is true on this matter, even today, and I take back none of it. However I'm feeling... less bitter over other matters today and I know and understand that she has to spend a lot of time on stuff at university so I'm not upset anymore over her spending so little time online. I know she really wants to do well in university, and to do that , one has to work. I'm not questioning my feelings anymore, as I think all my questions about my feelings is caused by me feeling down about something else and taking it and applying those negative feelings to my relationship with Andarta, but they really belong somewhere else.

Andarta... you still have the choice I gave you last night in that I really want you to consider your workload and see if you can make it here. Once you're here we can talk about our relationship, decide if the feelings are there to continue and also if we can continue it. Last time we talked of this, you were fairly certain you were going to say yes but wanted to be sure. I realized that knowing how much work you have to do for university could... change your attitudes on the matter, so we will leave most of this choice until you meet me again. I'd really love to have you visit here and hope that the tentative date of early november works out. (as my midterms are right before that, so it works well for me too.) And I realize that as of late I have been taking the relationship too seriously between us... and i have to keep reminding myself that we're not dating yet and i'm not even sure that we will be. Just... for me taking it this seriously helps me stay happier while waiting for you to come here and us to make a decision. It lets me say "well... although she's cute, I have Andarta to think of and Andarta is cuter than her." and things like that. If I take it too seriously... I'm sorry. if it's a problem, we can talk about it next time you're online. So... at the moment I'm not really worried about my heart... my heart says that this is the right course of action (and my head's shut up for the moment and has agreed)... it depends on two things... your heart and reality. I believe your heart is fairly sure about what it wants to do, but just not completely sure.. hence the meeting (which I am really looking foward to). Reality... well.... *shrugs* can't do much about that... but I hope that it'll let us have the chance.

Andarta, I'll talk to you soon... next time I see you and have a few minutes to talk with you, about workload and stuff and fitting in a trip to visit me.

I think... the longer this drags on, the harder it is on me because... everytime we get a date where she might be able to go, I'm really happy... and then, everytime so far, it gets extended... and extended. Maybe I'm just becoming pessimistic about it ever happening. And I keep wondering if she's extending it on purpose because she doesn't want to go... but that's paranoia. (shut up!) And... I have no certainty whatsoever anymore... and that makes it hard somedays to remind myself of Andarta and what's coming. But this is all paranoia, I believe, and I'm sure we'll find sometime to be together. Whether she comes here or I go visit her for Christmas or something... we will find a way sometime to see each other before this year is through.

I'm sorry for my occasional lack of confidence in things... Andarta I know you're doing your best and I know you wouldn't lie to me. I'm sorry. I hope you have the time and money to make the trip here after your midterms, and I'll welcome you with open arms and watch you leave with tearful eyes at the very least. And I promise to lick your nose. (and to have my revenge for pauvre petit bebe). Anything else that happens is... up to fate I suppose.

Hoping to see you soon. Call me if you have the chance soon.

Later all.