Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell

Before I begin tonight's blog, I'd like to ask anyone who's bitched at me for the contents of this site, who's told me I think too much, that I should act my age (be it older or younger), that I should not think of the things that I do, that I shouldn't worry about the things that I do, that I shouldn't be looking for love and all the people with similar thoughts a favor. Actually it's more giving them a choice. You can continue to read this for whatever reasons... but do not attempt to tell me these things. I am the person I am... I love the person I am and everything about me. I like the fact that I care and I worry about love and that I act (in my opinion) older than I am. It may be hard and painful, but I think I'm up to the task. So... you can continue to read this and accept that it's my life and not bitch at me... or you can stop reading this and accept that it's my life and not bitch at me. Your choice.

yes... the post.

Today's post is pretty much for Andarta but also... a general rant.

Lately things have started downhill again. My old pessimism and cynicism are returning to haunt me again. There have been some bad things happening lately (Andarta... next time I talk to, I promise I'll speak of them... I just haven't had the chance to tell you what happened Thursday yet. They aren't about you, don't worry.) and my mind has begun questioning. I suppose that's a problem with me... I'm always questioning other people's motivations, my own motivations, my own thoughts, my own sanity... everything. I can't just sit and say what happens happens and I can't just let things be... I have to know. It's a combination of insecurity with curiousity. Cursed curiosity.

So... where to begin.

Let us begin with the recurring problem... the fact that it is very difficult for me to have an online relationship. (watches the audience sigh in frustration) heh... I knew you would do that. This is... not that much of a problem. It means that sometimes I can be down a lot and I can create feelings for other people which aren't there and are merely a product of my feelings for Andarta and my lack of a manner of expressing them well... but it's still a minor problem. One I am willing to live with... and indeed would be easy to live with were the situation different. this leads into two.

Andarta has very little time to spend with me. This leads to certain paranoid thoughts that she doesn't like me, that she's found someone else, etc, etc, etc... I try to banish these and usually are successful... if not I ask my friends to help me banish them and usually they do... usually by bringing up the past stories which I have told of her. It makes me feel guilty as, here I am with large amounts of free time (now... probably not after I start working) to talk about her, write to her and think of her while she has almost no free time to come talk with me online, call me or even write me a letter. this leads to three and into four.

With almost no time to talk together and almost no time to spend together... well... the relationship might not go that well. I know me... I am an insecure person and I know I can be very demanding in a relationship in that I have issues and problems and it's not easy. I'm not an easy person to get along with, nor to understand.

And then there is that with no time to spend with me, should she be taking time away from her studies? I feel guilty now... knowing how much she's putting into her studies and how much she'd be sacrificing to come see me. (also feel guilty because I'm not putting much into my studies and am still doing well enough...but that's a different matter.) I know university is really hard, having spoken to various people who have been there especially first year university.

And... maybe I feel a little bit hurt in that she has no time to think of me at all... that university comes before me. But school doesn't come easily to all people, so this is a really minor concern in that... my head accepts the reasons for it and know it's the right thing for her to do, yet my heart still feels hurt.

I feel like... I've become a burden to her. Soemthing she has to do, feels obligated to do and I don't like people feeling that way about me.

And I think somedays that if she's really too busy to spend time with me most days... maybe we shouldn't be thinking about a relationship at this point in time.

One more thing... we spoke a few days ago of sacrifices and missed opportunities. She's right... there has been perhaps some missed opportunities in my life for her. I don't mind them in that I think between her and the people I've met, she wins. But I also realize that this goes both ways and that she has probably made sacrifices and missed many opportunities for me. Andarta... is an awesome person and really deserves the best man she can get. I don't know if I am that person anymore. I have issues and I also live so far away. I know Andarta is like me... a cuddly person, likes emotional, close relationships etc... and I doubt that any relationship of ours can be like that for a long time...

But all of these problems are Andarta's problems. Therefore I will say this.

I have weighed everything... I have considered everything. From my point of view... it is not a serious impact on my studies to date Andarta in that it will definately not interrupt either my work or my school at college nor my homework. I like Andarta enough to give her the chance to come here and see where we can go with this. I like her enough that I'm willing to consider the possibility that we date online. I like her enough to make trips to see her whenever I can, to pay the costs of those trips (as my parents have made it clear that they are not paying for anymore trips to timmins) and to pay the extra money to go to university away if need be. I like her enough to welcome her to come here to study if she so wishes and to go away to study if she does not wish to come here and will have me there. (though this isn't really a sacrifice in that I would love the chance to attend Waterloo).

let me also say this.

I have noticed a change in your tone on MSN since unversity started. It reminds me of the tone you had before we broke up last time, and it worries me. It may just be due to the increased workload upon you, therefore I will ignore it.

and finally let me say this.

I release you Andarta of all promises made to me. I urge you to do what you believe is best for your life. If you believe that you can fit a trip to see me into your schedule and that you can maintain a relationship online (I don't ask for much... I know we won't be able to see each other often. Just a reminder every so often that you are thinking of me) and that dating me will not detract from your studies and that the feelings for me are still there and... having considered everything I said above, if you still think that this is possible between us, then I welcome you to Gatineau as soon as you can fit it into your schedule. If you do not think it is possible... you owe me nothing now Andarta. I won't be angry... I will understand. I really want you to think about it... I don't want you coming here and spending all this money to come see me if you don't think you can afford the time or the money. I ask you to think about it... think long and hard yet quickly... and post a reply in your journal or email me or send me a letter or call me as soon as you've made a decision. I want to tell you that now that I've finally gotten all of my doubts out of my system... I will believe what comes next. Let us make sure it is the truth that I believe and not a lie.

As I said I release you of all your promises to me and I want you to do what is best for you... what your heart and head tells you is right. I remember my promise to you about not dating anyone until you had made your decision... even though it has been over two months since I gave that promise and you told me it would take you a short time. I have been true to it and will continue to remain true to this and my promises to myself and my morals until you release me from them. It's not that I want what we have to end Andarta... I want it to live very much and am going to try my best to keep it alive... but it does take two... and I'm worried also that fate has taken this decision out of our hands in placing us so far apart.

I thank everyone for listening to my ramblings.

Andarta... hopefully I will hear from you soon.

Farewell my friends and my love. Until I speak again.